People are starving in Africa, but I just won a jet ski!

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Are you excited, Ethiopia? You may suffer from the worst droughts in history, but settle down for a moment. Here in America, I’m about to jump on a 2011 Yamaha and rock my world.

You can win one too! You need only wait for a glossy chunk of marketing baloney to creep into your mailbox. Pull the gel tab on the LED plastic key that’s glued to your promotional, then watch with glee as the code flashes to life. See if the numbers match the digits on the mailing. If the answer is yes, go kiss your mother for giving birth to such a lucky guy! I just became a guaranteed winner! Heck, I can even exchange the jet ski for a Toyota Tacoma, a Target gift card, or a hundred clams.

Yep, fortune favors the foolish! Excuse me while I slip into my best suit, grab my promotional key and waltz right over to. . . hang on a second. This doesn’t look like a stage with a marching band and balloons. It’s a “Used Vehicle Outlet” near my house. And when I flip over said promotional, I also learn that I can choose from over 400 quality vehicles. Their service department, which is probably a tiny desk next to the fire exit, offers “credit amnesty” for bankruptcy, divorce, tax liens, and credit card difficulties. When I read the fine print, I also discover that prizes are limited, and I have a 1:177,000 chance of getting the Tacoma.

They sure wasted a lot of money trying to get me, Ethiopia. As P.T. Barnum once said, “Never give a sucker an even break.”

We’re pretty stupid over here, Ethiopia. We lie and cheat and steal from each other. This happens every day in a country with the strongest military and the most advanced medical care in the world. I know that famine is killing your people almost by the minute, and for that I’m sorry. I’m also ashamed that we haven’t made a big show of helping you in a timely fashion. Isn’t easy over here–some of us are trying to pick up a jet ski.

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