Donkey and Elephant hate politics

Donkey and Elephant never asked to be the icons of our two strongest parties. Donkey is a registered Independent and rather shy. Elephant is a self-proclaimed “hard-line peanut man” from Colorado. Neither animal has seen the inside of a voting booth since their college days. The political spectrum has radically changed over the years, and they aren’t very happy about it.

Elephant:  “Sure, I thought about joining the Republicans more than once, but they were never serious about peanut farming. Nixon backed out of the Federal Agriculture Reduced Tax program, which would have spiked our peanut supply, but I never understood why. A lot of my elephant buddies were pretty upset. He was an old FART guy. But the man was a liar. Never saw him wearing one of our “I Love FARTs” buttons or carry a FART bumper sticker. It was a sad period in national history. You understand why I don’t like to be used in Republican imagery.”

Donkey:  “I had a similar experience. Some pretentious aide from Johnson’s office visited me on a stumping tour in New Orleans. I was up to my ears in tequila that weekend and felt pretty heated on a number of issues. The aide asked if I could ‘donate’ my likeness to the Democratic Party. I exploded in front of him. ‘Do you have any idea what perverse things they do to donkey demonstrators in Moscow and Havana? You know what it’s like to get shaved down to your hooves and paraded around in a dictator’s pageant?’ It wasn’t my best performance. . . and me in front of a hot microphone.”

“I remember when campaign branding was clean and simple. None of this glitzy nonsense that sticks out in a magazine. How can you get around the neckties that these candidates are wearing? When did key-lime green make it on to a grand stand? Wouldn’t catch Eisenhower in one of those crappy outfits.”

Donkey:  “The suit makes the man, in my opinion. A candidate must look presidential long before the primary. A good percentage of the campaign fund goes into personal grooming.”

Elephant:  “For a guy who’s covered in flies and feces, you’re pretty concerned about personal grooming.”

Donkey:  “And I suppose you fit into a blue herringbone, fatso? What are you, 20,000 pounds?”

Elephant: “Just what I needed. Forty acres and a tool.”

Donkey:  “I can’t believe I agreed to this interview.”

Elephant:  “I can’t believe I passed on Jimmy Buffett tickets to do this interview.”

Donkey:  “We’re getting off subject. You have to admit that some political branding makes sense. Recent campaigns use icons that closely resemble the apps on your iPhone.”

Elephant:  “I don’t use an iPhone.”

Donkey:  “Well, what kind of computer do you have?”

Elephant:  (Long pause.) “I don’t have a computer. Tried to use a Commodore in 1985. Smashed it under my own weight. If you built a computer that could be operated by an elephant, the keyboard would have to be forty feet wide and made out of Kevlar.”

Donkey:  “That’s an excellent point.”


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