Ask Hollywood monsters about their favorite movies

Why should puny humans hash out a Top Ten for Hollywood blockbusters? Monsters should pick them for you. They know what they’re talking about, and you should always listen to someone with fangs.

1. Count Dracula:  “Stem to stern, To Kill a Mockingbird is a masterpiece. It translates from the novel with clarity and distinction. Boo Radley is my kind of cuckoo! Man, if I lived in that town, I’d open up a vampire buffet. We eat you people.”

2. The Predator from Predator:  “I’d have to go with Running Man. It makes Hunger Games look like kindergarten. There’s also something exhilarating about hunting down a live human. Hey, I think I saw Jesse Ventura! Where have I seen him before?”

3. Frankenstein:  “You’ve Got Mail. Don’t judge me.”

4. The Lord of Darkness from Legend:  “Oh, do we have to do this now? Look, I honestly can’t decide between Gandhi and Big Trouble in Little China. Can you come back to me later?”

5. The Alien from Alien:  “My favorite is Juno. I’m drawn to assertive women with some kind of parasite in their bodies.”

6. Wolfman:  “For the last time, stop asking me about Fur Gone Wild. It was a one-time gig in Tampa and I was strapped for cash. You won’t find a director’s credit on IMDB anytime soon. I’ll give you some trivia, though:  Denise Richards took some of my notes for Wild Things. Betcha didn’t know that.”

7. The Rancor from Return of the Jedi:  “I was supposed to keep quiet about this, but I loved Wrath of Khan. You have no idea how hard it is to be a closet Trekkie in Lucas territory. Remember the giant portcullis that Skywalker used to crush my head? One of George’s assistants tried it on my little dog. It was an oppressive set. I couldn’t show up at a Trek convention for nine more years, and even then disguised as Rockbiter from Neverending Story.”

8. The Snake from Anaconda:  “I got a lot of crap when I posted about Out of Sight. I starred with Lopez, you know. She’s talented! Hey, you might have seen me in the bungee jump scene in Selena. I was way down at the bottom.”

9. Gollum:  “Smeagol watches Eisenstein stuff, like Alexander Nevsky. Leave Smeagol alone.”

10. The Lord of Darkness (again):  “Fine! Fine! Let’s go with Gandhi. No, wait! I totally forgot about Casablanca. Why can’t I have two favorites? What if I add Crouching Tiger to the list? Do foreign films count as a separate category? Why are you looking at me like that?”


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