Bad fortune cookies

“The filling in the crab rangoon was older than your father.”

“Sharp objects and wind tunnels generally have to connection to you until a random visit to the Acme Airship Company.”

“Your date is wearing her sister’s hair. . . but the night can still be romantic.”

“The green button can lead to a relaxing weekend. The red button will wipe out half the Midwest in a thermonuclear oopsie.”

“Most of the waiters in this restaurant do two things, serve food and smoke cigarettes. There aren’t any ash trays in here. What do they do with all the butts?”

“The king cobra is very patient. You are very careless.”

“The sticks in your beef teriaki are made by the same company that makes voodoo sticks.”

“You wonder why the substance of this cookie reminds you of balsa wood.”

“The safe combination is 21-38-6-12, but you may not have the fingers to open it.”

“As cannibals, the island natives of Topango are constantly worried about spoiling human flesh. Luckily, you hiked into the wrong village with a backpack full of plastic baggies and water containers.”

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