Script cocktail, anyone?

Script proposal for  Cage & Kilmer Fight the Devil

Status:  REJECTED

SCENE FOUR:  Cage and Kilmer are wrongly imprisoned at New Mexico State Penitentiary for the death of the Shetlands ambassador. Using floral dresses provided to them by the Alabaster Ladies Club, a disguised Cage and Kilmer escape and run to the nearest highway. They hitch a ride on a bus jammed with Phish groupies, realize that none of the riders have cell phones, and decide to bail into the wasteland. Before they jump, a sympathetic fan gives them a burrito full of “happy sugar”, which Kilmer readily devours. Cage refuses to eat anything but a packet of sweetener that he finds under a seat cushion. The adventurers leap out the emergency exit and roll into the desert. None of the groupies seem to notice.

Cage and Kilmer tumble wildly down an embankment, drawing a small avalanche of sand and rocks in their wake. Cage bursts out of a cloud of dust only to discover that Kilmer had disappeared. Cage cries out:

CAGE

“Kilmer! Where are you? We have to get outta here before Sheriff Calhoun and his posse pick up our scent!”

KILMER

Caaaaaaaggggeeee!

CAGE

“Kilmer! Is that you? Are you hurt?”

Kilmer stumbles into the foreground. His floral dress is smeared with dirt and torn in several places by sharp New Mexico topography. He has come across a dead armadillo and holds the creature under his arm. His face is contorted in a strange, drug-induced-and-now-quite-crazy expression.

CAGE

Mother of pearl. You ate the burrito. And we were on a Phish bus.

KILMER

Cage! Look what you’ve done! You’ve killed Beatrix!

CAGE

Is that an armadillo?

Tearing up, Kilmer lifts up the dead animal and bellows:

KILMER

We were supposed to be married! Now look at her! You ran over her in your Firebird!

CAGE

I don’t have a Firebird.

KILMER

Your GPS should have clearly pointed out that Beatrix was in the road! She loves to sit out in the road! Why didn’t your Firebird tell you that, Cage?

CAGE

I don’t have a Firebird!

KILMER

The wedding is ruined! What am I supposed to tell Beatrix’s family?

CAGE

Beatrix has a family? We’re still talking about the armadillo, right?

Kilmer drops to his knees and sobs uncontrollably. He holds the armadillo close to his chest, sort of like a receiver with a football. When Cage gets too close, Kilmer growls and slides away from him.

CAGE

Dude, you ate a bad burrito. You saw it coming, but you did it anyway. Look, you’re not engaged to an armadillo. You’re just a guy in a dress in the middle of New Mexico. And now we’ve got to find shelter before Sheriff Calhoun shows up. We also need water. I think I can build a dew collector, providing we can get our hands on some plastic and a smart dude from CalTech.

KILMER

You never understood me! You never appreciated Beatrix! And now look at her, quiet like an angel. I spent top dollar for my wedding dress!

CAGE

That’s not your wedding dress, idiot! We got them to escape from jail. Do you want to go back there with all their stupid arts and crafts? I’m not making another basket, I swear to God!

Coming to his senses, Kilmer drops the armadillo and struggles to his feet. He wraps Cage in a bear hug, which makes Cage very uncomfortable.

KILMER

My brother. My desert brother.

CAGE

Uh, good to see you too.

KILMER

We have faced many battles, many demons. Let us prepare for the next adversary.

CAGE

Who?

KILMER

The Devil.

CAGE

The one downstairs with all the fire?

KILMER

Let us make the passage together. Come, desert brother, and eat the magical feast.

Kilmer is apparently unable to break free of his hallucination burrito. He picks up the armadillo and tries to eat through the animal’s armored hide. Nauseated, Cage regurgitates his packet of sweetener. The hot sun makes it difficult for Kilmer to concentrate on consuming an entire armadillo, and Kilmer gets frustrated.

KILMER

Damn it, Cage, help me with this thing or we’ll be here all day!

CAGE

What the hell’re you doing? That’s Beatrix, for Pete’s sake!

Kilmer snaps back to his earlier persona. Maddened, he grabs the armadillo by the tail and swings it at Cage’s head. Cage falls backwards into the sand and tries to crawl to safety.

KILMER

Caaaaaaaggggeeee! Caaaaaaaggggeeee!

Cage jumps to his feet and races into the sunset with an armadillo-swinging Kilmer fast on his heels. 

END SCENE FOUR.

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