Cage & Kilmer, Part 2

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Scene Five from proposed script, “Cage & Kilmer Fight the Devil”

Status:  Rejected

SCENE FIVE:  Cage and Kilmer are attempting to cross the New Mexico desert and shake off their daring pursuer, Sheriff Calhoun. The two jailbirds are cleverly disguised in floral-print dresses provided to them by the Alabaster Ladies Society. They hitch a ride on a goat truck off the interstate, but just as our heroes leap over the tail gate, the driver slams the doors and locks them inside. The truck rumbles off into the distance, leaving Kilmer and Cage to fret about their future. Will their ride to freedom become the ride of doom?

KILMER

Well, this is unexpected.

CAGE

Yeah. That wasn’t a real driver.

KILMER

No, he was definitely a real driver. He’s just not going to a goat farm.

CAGE

Where is he going, then?

KILMER

I dunno. Taiwan?

CAGE

Taiwan is across the Pacific, Kilmer. We’re in New Mexico. This truck can’t get to Taiwan unless it goes to California and, you know, does whatever it does to drive over an ocean.

KILMER

So he’s a goat smuggler. Poor goats.

Cage sniffs one of the motionless goats beside them. Warily, he grabs one and shakes it. The goat doesn’t object.

CAGE

These aren’t real goats! They’re fakes! They’ve been stuffed with lemonade mix.

KILMER

Lemonade mix? I should have known! The goat farmer is smuggling drink mix to the drug cartels in Taiwan. Add this yellow powder to a few chemicals, down it with a Long Island iced tea, and you’ll think you’re Margaret Thatcher.

CAGE

How do you know so much about drug cartels?

KILMER

My yoga instructor.

CAGE

Oh.

KILMER

If only we could break through these doors! I’d risk jumping out at this speed.

CAGE

Heh. Too bad you don’t have your utility belt.

KILMER

What belt?

CAGE

You know, like Batman?

KILMER

Like who?

CAGE

Batman.

KILMER

What, like a slugger?

CAGE

No, like the comic book hero.

KILMER

Never heard of him.

CAGE

You’re kidding, right?

KILMER

No. Why?

CAGE

How could you not know Batman? You did the third one!

KILMER

Third Batman?

CAGE

Yeah, Keaton did the first two. You did the second.

KILMER

Cage, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CAGE

You’re telling me you don’t remember doing a flick with Kidman, O’Donnell, Jones and Carey?

KILMER

I don’t do movies. Are you sure you have the right guy?

CAGE

Cage groans loudly as he crawls to the truck gate and proceeds to push against the doors. They don’t budge under his weight.

This has something to do with that magic burrito you ate on the Phish bus. You swung a dead armadillo at my head! Don’t you remember?

KILMER

I remember a documentary on armadillos. Laura Linney was the narrator. She’s just terrific.

CAGE

Forget it. I don’t care. Just forget it! Help me get out of here!

Kilmer thinks for a moment. He pulls up his floral-print dress, revealing a Batman utility belt. He thumbs a button, and a miniature buzz saw snaps into place. Kilmer calmly uses the device to cut the rusty lock in the tail gate. Cage stares at him.

CAGE

What. The. Hell.

KILMER

Relax, old chum. I’ll have us out of here in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

CAGE

What about all this talk about Batman?

KILMER

Who’s Batman?

CAGE

I hate you.

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