Latest poll: Aragorn wouldn’t be king if election were tomorrow

The latest Middle Earth polls show a miserable drop in approval ratings for King Aragorn, with a startling report that 86% of Gondor wouldn’t accept him if Mordor fell tomorrow.

The fresh polling data comes from the Rivendell-based analyst firm Kingmaker, Inc. which questioned fifty thousand subjects in the Gondor area.

“The honeymoon is pretty much over,” said the firm’s manager, Bob Hastings. “The king hasn’t done well after his initial time on the throne. There is a general dissatisfaction with the sovereign’s ability and the prosperity of the realm.”

Indeed, living conditions have worsened in post-war Gondor despite a steadfast revitalization program. Recent protests in the capital of Minas Tirith show that citizens are no longer satisfied with royal heredity as a criterion for running the kingdom, even if Aragorn didn’t have the background of a typical heir.

A ranger with no political ambition, Aragorn was originally involved in a start-up excursion group called “The Fellowship” that failed shortly after its launch. He later achieved notoriety in an advisory role to the King of Rohan. Aragorn’s popularity went through the roof after the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, despite a questionable recruitment of thousands of undocumented ghosts.

Bob Hastings explained that Gondor citizens “accused the guy of outsourcing their army to dead people” and “wasting time on very slow ships” while the armies of Rohan were wasted at Minas Tirith.

Nevertheless, Aragorn was an exciting alternative to the meek Faramir, who stood in the shadow of his larger and more popular sibling Boromir. But with his brother found dead in a canoeing accident and his father Denethor deceased after a mysterious “lit-on-fire-and-jumped-off-city” episode, Faramir retreated to the private sector.

Aragorn’s kingly initiatives were less than exciting after coronation and susceptible to scandal and controversy:

  • A contract worth $5 million to clean Pelennor Fields of dead elephants and orcs was awarded to Hobbits but never carried out, leaving Minas Tirith with one of the worst environmental landfills in history.
  • Three catapults sold at discount to Rohan were stolen by goblin extremists.
  • City laborers paid to rebuild the river garrison outside Minas Tirith used cheap mortar, causing half the fortification to sink. A contract for proper repairs was issued to the dwarves but drained the city’s budget for the year.
  • Ministers in Minas Tirith publicly questioned Aragorn’s obsessive reliance on the private counsel of Gandalf D. White, whose cult-like behavior frightened members of the court and interfered with sovereign affairs.
  • Subjects have also debated the king’s choice to marry an elven daughter of Elrond of Rivendell. While most have no issue over inter-species unions, others consider this to be a deliberate political union.

“The king ain’t what he used to be,” remarked local potter Sam Lebowitz. “Da wife loved him, and my kids all wanna be da king. But where all dem jobs goin’ in Minas Tirith? Outta city, dat’s where.”

Stable hand Kelly O’Riley also voiced concern over Aragorn’s inability to raise the quality of life in a post-war economy:  “Gondor is full of troubles. I don’t think the king is thinking about them. I saw him last night up in the yard, playing with that yard stick of a sword. If this keeps up, I’m moving to Rohan.”

Court spokesperson Mackenzie Sousa defended the king’s achievements as “epic and legendary” but admitted that recent conflicts with Mordor had dampened the spirit of Gondor and Middle Earth. King Aragorn will travel next month to Rivendell, where he was raised and educated, to discuss military issues and the job market. He will be burdened by the latest 86% drop in approval from his subjects, but his skill in international diplomacy may improve Gondor’s representation in trade talks.

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