Triple endowment promotes “Recall” remake

Anyone who grew up watching Schwarzenegger flicks will fondly remember Total Recall (1990). If you know that movie, then you’ll likely “recall” the character of a mutated harlot with unusual triple endowment. Regrettably, that sci-fi gag is repeated in the trailer for Len Wiseman’s latest reboot. Yep. . . two flicks within 20 years of each other, both based on a story by legendary author Philip K. Dick, and that goofy vulgarity wasn’t in his original work. We should feel embarrassed.

I can see a conversation brewing between the director and his producers:

“We want to dump a lot of the gimmicks from the 1990 film back into this picture. It’s easier that way and we don’t have to think so hard about originality. Hey,  remember the exploding disguise that Arnold threw at the bad guys?”

“That was awesome! Put that on the list! But make sure that Colin Farrell has a holographic mask. It’s way cooler.”

“You got it. Let’s also use the automated taxi with the robot cabbie.”

“Not so sure about that one. The car chase with Michael Ironsides was goofy. Besides, I have nightmares about talking mannequins. Let’s use flying cars instead. Hell, I’ve been trying to rip off Blade Runner for years.”

“What about a new version of Sharon Stone, the bodacious wife-turned-spy that tried to kill Arnold in his apartment?”

“We can do that. Call Kate Beckinsale. She used to be a vampire. The fight will be terrific.”

“Okay. I have one more request.” (Giggling)

“What is it?”

“Remember the mutant in the bar?”

“What mutant? It was a Martian colony. The place was full of mutants.”

“You know the one I’m talking about.”

“Oh. . . I get it. The lady with the triple set of Olympus Mons.” (More giggling)

“We’ll definitely get a laugh out of that one.”

“You know, I should just stick with this adaptation-of-an-adaptation shtick. Makes my life so much easier.”

“With you on that one, amigo. Hey, did you know that Total Recall is actually a story?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. It was originally titled We Can Remember It For You Wholesale. The writer died in 1982. I wonder how he’d feel about Hollywood turning his stuff into a fun house with goofy mutants?”

“Dunno. Not my department. Whaddya want for lunch?”

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