Best Beards In The Business

Hollywood has a monopoly on bearded characters. Fulfilling your funny fix, here are a selection of five famous figures featuring facial hair.

1. Gandalf. Can you get your buddies out of a goblin-infested mine, kill a Balrog, escape the afterlife, and win a war? Of course you can’t. You’re not Gandalf. This wizard of the highest order deserves two beards instead of one. The Fellowship was full of beards, but there are no honorable mentions in Middle Earth.

2. Leonidas. You just volunteered to get pwned.The sharp, pointy beard of a spear-throwing king makes you want to grab a shield and helmet, put on 200 lbs. of Gold’s Gym muscle and repel the Persian hordes. Brother, you don’t got the clams to match the Spartans. His beard may have doped up before the Battle of Thermopylae, but we’re not asking questions.

3. Pai Mei. The mystical teacher of beat-downs isn’t interested in your Western crass and snobbery. He will make a point of breaking most of your skeleton after you’ve trucked some water up his ridiculously tall staircase. But he will also teach you the eagle claw and five-point-palm exploding heart technique. You better be a good student. A single strand in his wispy beard could kill you at a three paces.

4. Marko Ramius. Rough day at the office? Try dodging torpedoes under the North Atlantic. The captain of theĀ Red October has sculpted his beard to ward off the frigid cold of a Russian winter. The accent of our defecting skipper sounds suspiciously Scottish, but you dare not raise the subject with him. The only other bearded Soviet on the sub looks a lot like La Fours from Mallrats, and you get points for recognizing him.

5. Alan. Real men wear babies and wing shades in public. Real men have beards that have their own personalities. It is highly possible that a super punch from Mike Tyson was partially absorbed by Alan’s beard. That also explains his ability to take enormous amounts of physical punishment.

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