ARIES: The skill involved in the ancient Chinese “thirty-dagger jumping trick” is poorly demonstrated in tomorrow’s fraternity kegger.
TAURUS: Jacksonville, Mississippi is your home away from home after tripping into a cement mixer.
GEMINI: It doesn’t help you sleep at night, but the idea of Shania Twain having an ancestral relation to Mark Twain would sort of balance out the universe.
CANCER: Three clowns, two surfboards and a cotton candy machine will appear on your credit card statement without explanation. The clowns are not returnable.
LEO: Combining Bridges of Madison County with Sleepy Hollow makes perfect sense to you, but less sense to the producers at United Artists.
VIRGO: Five teenage players, including your spouse, devote their lives to hunting you down in “Call of Duty”.
LIBRA: When a municipal sewer pipe is discovered flowing into your bathtub, you realize there are consequences to dating the ex-wife of the city director for waste management.
SCORPIO: You and the ghost of James Madison have nothing in common, so how do you get him to leave your cubicle?
SAGITTARIUS: The ease in which your toddler can sneak into a Formula One racer, start the engine, and make the checkered flag will simply astound your family, the pit crew, and forty thousand spectators.
CAPRICORN: In your recent nightmare, NASA will ask you to fix the Curiosity rover with nothing but taffy and licorice rope. A recurrence of this episode in day-mare form will disrupt tomorrow’s teleconference.
AQUARIUS: The tubes used for caulking guns and cake frosting are strikingly similar. This will determine the outcome of Timmy’s birthday party.
PISCES: Taking a date to a Civil War re-enactment was a stupid idea in the first place. Try fixing that when she picks a fight with the 43rd Rhode Island regiment.