Watch As I Use Delphi To Make You Do Stupid Things

Ex-Tea Party bad boy Field Searcy may be on to something. According to his spiel in a closed-door Republican caucus meeting in Georgia, the President of the United States has been using a mind control technique called “Delphi” to channel American citizens down the dark path to Socialism, homelessness and yeast infections. Well, that’s absurd, isn’t it? Isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

Obama conspirators have it all worked out. This is way more complex than the Chief Executive rubbing a crystal ball—which is likely plugged into a Cisco server and somehow involves NORAD—in an attempt to win a national election. Searcy has assured GOP lawmakers that Delphi can “lead a targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the illusion of being open to public input.”

Some conspirators also believe that pre-determined outcome will be the forcible relocation of our suburban citizens to the nearest metropolis. . . but what would be the point in that? Living in a city is like sharing a locker room with seven million people. It is impossible to find good sushi. Some bars actually charge a cover for you to go inside a crowded room, buy an overpriced martini, hate the music, and then go home. And you will never find a good parking spot. (Said the late George Carlin, “You can’t park the car in Harvard Yard; there’s nowhere left to park.”)

If Delphi is the perfect mechanism to win a presidential election, then why don’t I try it on my readers? Just relax. Ease your mind while I use hypnotic suggestion to push you toward a liberal frame of mind:

1. You will start buying gluten-free foods.

2. You will sign a petition to bring back Firefly.

3. You will pay more attention to your spouse and talk about your feelings.

4. You will purchase a “hip” vehicle with 28/38 mileage.

Conspirators may lurk in every circle, but the fellows from the Georgia caucus never applied any common sense. Common sense is a breath of fresh air. It nullifies the ludicrous and restores the right balance. Common sense dictates, “If the paparazzi can take snapshots of Britney Spears’s lady parts as she climbs out of a Mercedes, then Bigfoot and UFOs aren’t bound to show up anytime soon.”

If this sort of nonsense lingers in the coming years, we’re going to need all the common sense we can get.

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