Did you ever wonder how Batman turned a damp and dreary bat cave into his headquarters? Does he machine his own batarangs, or buy ’em wholesale? How much of the Batmobile is really street legal? I’ve had scores of questions for the Caped Crusader, but I doubt the Dark Knight would ever be the kind of gent to divulge any trade secrets.
1. The Batmobile is really a jet engine on wheels. The combustion chamber of a jet engine generates extreme heat, something like 2,000 degrees. At what speed do you turn into grilled cheese?
2. Gotham Police usually get to criminals when you’re done with them. They find these goons tied to a lamp post with a hand-written note like “For Commissioner, hugs and kisses, Bats.” Does someone in the police force gather your rope and return it to you at a designated time? Because with all the nocturnal nabs you’ve made over the years, we’re talking virtually miles of cordage.
3. Super computers need to be in a cool and comfortable environment for optimum performance. How do you operate your Bat Computer in the Bat Cave when your secret headquarters is dripping with moisture and. . . put simply. . . covered in guano?
4. Most of your evening patrols are spent running over rooftops and swinging from parapets. But most of Gotham City is rather ancient, so we’re talking about lots of loose mortar, shingles, rain gutters, bricks, grates, and other examples of shoddy contracting. Do you prefer certain routes over the durable parts of Gotham, or do you spend nights fixing up buildings for ease of use? (Community service may be an unseen part of your life!)
5. You’re the physical equivalent of an Olympic medalist, NFL receiver and Army Ranger. So the sweat factor is pretty gross. I’m guessing that you drink Gatorade, which leads to the big question: where the hell can Batman take a piss when he’s not dispensing justice?
6. There is no way you could have built the Bat Cave by yourself, let alone with a geriatric butler and your adolescent ward. That equipment has to be delivered by truck, and we’re not talking FedEx. You had to back a flat-bed under that waterfall, shoo away the bats, and unload several tons of machinery, batteries, hardware and supplies. You need help! So who else does Bruce Wayne keep on the “secret payroll” to do the bruising and the stoop labor? Or is it just a bunch of no-question honchos getting money under the table?
7. While we’re on the topic of gear, how come you haven’t killed all of those poor bats with Batmobile exhaust? And I’m sure they love the sound of a roaring engine and screeching tires in what used to be their cave.
8. Can Alfred Pennyworth really do everything for Bruce Wayne and Batman at the same time? This poor arthritic servant has to patch up Batman from a night of rough brawling, feed you, dust everything in Wayne Manor, answer your correspondence, prune the rose garden, prepare elaborate dinners that you never attend, launder the tuxedos and suits that you never wear, and fret each night that the Joker or Two Face might leave you rotting in the Gotham underworld. Where is the humanity?
9. Bruce Wayne has been to doctors and laughably blamed his scars and bruises on base jumping or kayaking, but who are you fooling? Surely a practicing doctor with years of experience is going to realize that a billionaire playboy with no time on his hands has gathered what looks suspiciously like the marks from an errant knife or grazing bullet.
10. If tax increases to the top percent of earners in America would cut into your crime-fighting budget, would Batman prowl less of Gotham’s streets? Perhaps the Caped Crusader would patrol the rooftops every other evening or only when Mr. Freeze broke out of Arkham Asylum. Hey, even billionaires have to pinch pennies, right?