I Rock The Tortellini

What’s that, empty kitchen? You don’t think I can swing dinner for my tired and deserving wife? Well think again, you meddling gang of needlessly personified appliances! I am the MacGuyver of improvised food. Don’t want to eat what I cook? I don’t care. I’m awesome anyway.

Now apparently tortellini requires a pan of proportionate size to the package from whence it came. And apparently the volume of water added to the tortellini must also be proportionate to the overall effort. Otherwise, the boiling water will overrun the ramparts of my respectable pan and spill with some surprise over the range. The sizzling water cascading over the hot stove was particularly educational.

Keep on trucking, I always say! I’m not afraid of a storm. I stood there stirring with a wooden spoon until the damn thing settled down. Then, I was rather alarmed by the return of an boil-over. The package mentioned something about a “gentle boil.” What in blazes is a gentle boil? Are we on a picnic? Am I expected to soothe the pot of lava tortellini with sweet nothings?

Well, the job is done now. A solid seven minutes in front of the stove of mercy was enough to worship my wife and the cooking prowess of her kin until kingdom come.

Rock The Tortellini (Fast and Easy Husband Version)

What you’ll need:  tortellini of any kind, a sauce pan, boiling water (the hot kind), olive oil, oregano, and crushed red pepper.

1. Add the tortellini into the pan of boiling water with considerable attention to not getting burned.

2. Stir the tortellini gently, or at a gentle boil (whatever that means) until the tortellini looks like its been in the bath for too long.

3. After 6-8 minutes of stirring and soothing the tortellini, deposit the stuff into a strainer. Return to pan or large bowl.

4. For extra taste, a friend advised me to mix in some olive oil, crushed red pepper and oregano. My God. . . the taste was unbelievable. I don’t think tomato sauce is on my horizon with a combination like that.

Keep a towel handy for spilled water. I did it repeatedly. That’s because my pan was too small for the amount of tortellini used in the meal. . . because I’m a doofus.


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