Three Reasons Why Star Destroyers Are For Pansies

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SWSDLet me explain why the Galactic Empire wasted their money on a fleet full of silly tofu triangles.

Star Destroyers are supposed to be the Cadillac Escalades of the Imperial Fleet, but they’re nothing but lumbering paperweights. Where was the quality assurance? What happened to field tests? We’re not talking about hot batteries on a Dreamliner or bad gas on an F-22. The star destroyer has all the military value of an Amish horse buggy. Clearly, Emperor Palpatine needs to reevaluate their main contender before a bunch of hillbilly rebels turn up and ruin the show.

Reason 1:  They don’t do anything. A pair of monstrous star destroyers hanging over Tatooine is bound to scare the daylights out of any smuggler. But when the Millennium Falcon rips out of that dust bowl and jumps into hyperspace, the star destroyers do absolutely nothing. When the rebels flew out of the Hoth system, the star destroyers did nothing. When the rebels attacked the half-built-but-secretly-good-to-go Death Star II, those infamous star destroyers did nothing. See, here’s their immediate problem:  they were built with only one gear, and that gear is sissy slow. Star destroyers are slower than your grandmother. Star destroyers take forever to put on their makeup. Star destroyers should never be used to take your date to the prom.

Reason 2:  Star destroyers were never pimped out. The galaxy is full of second-hand clunkers with rally car engines stashed inside, allowing the average smuggler to race circles around the Imperial Fleet. Think Solo got his contraband down the Kessel Run in a star destroyer? Think again. Imperial engineers are probably a lot like the Chinese military industrial complex, borrowing schematics and reverse-engineering them until their tech appears positively inbred. No performance. No charm. No good.

Reason 3:  (y) surface area / (x) gadgets = useless. Han Solo ducks between a pair of star destroyers and the Millennium Falcon blasts out of harm’s way. Where are the $!*%*# tractor beams? Where are all the $!*%*# lasers? The star destroyer is the size of a small city. With that sort of surface area, why haven’t Imperial engineers slapped on a few hundred tractor beams, blasters, sensor clusters, torpedo launchers, and anything else that should’ve nabbed a pesky little smuggler? You can forget the tactical prowess of Captain Needa. . . something tells me he just figured it out.

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