October’s Horoscopes


ARIES:  Your werewolf costume will scare the hell out of folks on Halloween, but you need to stop wearing it to birthdays and funerals.

TAURUS:  People remark about your striking resemblance to Paul Newman, which might explain why your mother spoke fondly of “bike rides with Butch.”

GEMINI:  Press gangs are a thing of the past until the New York Jets pull you out of a Starbucks and send you into field training.

CANCER:  Remember the Alamo? Time to brush up on Texas history, because your neighbor swears that he’s Davy Crockett.

LEO:  We all have to deal with loose ends and shortcomings, but you’re the one with the saw collection.

VIRGO:  How you got behind the glass in the reptile park was a mystery to everyone, including a very late zookeeper.

LIBRA:  Getting pummeled by rotten apples is in your future thanks to an errant GPS route through an orchard.

SCORPIO:  Yes, Scorpio is way cooler than the other signs, but your friends are sick of these childish boasts in the food court.

SAGITTARIUS:  For reasons known only to her, Diane Keaton will put out a contract on you.

CAPRICORN:  Government shutdown aside, this is an excellent opportunity to pressure your congressman to bring back Firefly.

AQUARIUS:  Managing your personal finances is a worthy goal, but trying to buy things with “invisibucks” won’t get you anywhere at Wal-Mart.

PISCES:  As the last sign on the Zodiac wheel, you feel you’re missing out. It’s time to create new ones:  say hello to Tango, Cupcake, Java, Vegas, Superman, Everest, Fuzzy Bunny, iPhone, Corvette, Thumbs Up, Ninja, and Wolverine.


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