ARIES: Your werewolf costume will scare the hell out of folks on Halloween, but you need to stop wearing it to birthdays and funerals.
TAURUS: People remark about your striking resemblance to Paul Newman, which might explain why your mother spoke fondly of “bike rides with Butch.”
GEMINI: Press gangs are a thing of the past until the New York Jets pull you out of a Starbucks and send you into field training.
CANCER: Remember the Alamo? Time to brush up on Texas history, because your neighbor swears that he’s Davy Crockett.
LEO: We all have to deal with loose ends and shortcomings, but you’re the one with the saw collection.
VIRGO: How you got behind the glass in the reptile park was a mystery to everyone, including a very late zookeeper.
LIBRA: Getting pummeled by rotten apples is in your future thanks to an errant GPS route through an orchard.
SCORPIO: Yes, Scorpio is way cooler than the other signs, but your friends are sick of these childish boasts in the food court.
SAGITTARIUS: For reasons known only to her, Diane Keaton will put out a contract on you.
CAPRICORN: Government shutdown aside, this is an excellent opportunity to pressure your congressman to bring back Firefly.
AQUARIUS: Managing your personal finances is a worthy goal, but trying to buy things with “invisibucks” won’t get you anywhere at Wal-Mart.
PISCES: As the last sign on the Zodiac wheel, you feel you’re missing out. It’s time to create new ones: say hello to Tango, Cupcake, Java, Vegas, Superman, Everest, Fuzzy Bunny, iPhone, Corvette, Thumbs Up, Ninja, and Wolverine.